I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
