I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
