i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Found your dick twin last night
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
