Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
