i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
