Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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