He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just want to make out with him forever
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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