i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
