please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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