A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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