just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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