I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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