there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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