There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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