Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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