I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
