I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
