Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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