Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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