i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
