cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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