Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
this boner is exhausting
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
