My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
