my soul wont recognize me after tonight
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
