Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
