you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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