Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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