then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
