If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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