I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We talked him into tasing himself.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
