I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You took a bar mat shot.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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