My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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