Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Green mimosas i think yes
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
