I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
