Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
did you just send me my own nude
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
