I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
two words: eviction party
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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