you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And then my night got REAL pukey
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
