I met the friendliest cop last night
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
