Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
