as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
