I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
