found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
