Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
