i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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