your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
