I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
