I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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