Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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