and she was petting her beer can
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
