I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
